Integration, 3 years later

I am fully aware that there are multiple opinions about integration. I know there are some strong objections to the idea of taking this path in DID. I have also received some strong pushback about it. But this is not a discussion about whether or not integration is right or wrong, good or bad, this is simply an update about our experience after my bride made the choice to integrate.

After 10 years of therapy and working toward integration (and actually successfully integrating), my bride decided to take a break from all that counseling. She was worn out, tired, just plain sick and tired of fighting, and our financial situation did not allow for more therapy. So she took a break.

That break left her with certain deficiencies and unable to deal with the new life that presented itself to her. We had been warned by her then therapist that she needed continued treatment for at least “adjustment disorder” if not for PTSD and abuse recovery. DID therapy does not often address these other areas since the most immediate issue is the multiplicity and its causes.

Three years later we have found a new psychiatrist who has completely re-evaluated my bride's medication and have found a new and wonderful therapist.

The absence of therapy has left us struggling in a number of areas. My beloved bride has continued to adjust to this life of a singular. She has had a number of doctors who understood nothing of her condition and so has messed up her medication leaving her feeling sick, fatigued, in pain and deeply depressed. She was unable to cope with life and had no help. While I tried to help, I was to close to the situation, for her and for me. 

What is important to understand is that integration is not the end of the trail. Just like becoming an adult, getting married, retiring, none of these are the final stage of life. Integration simply means introducing a new playbook. The problem is that neither of you actually know the game yet.  

For the person with DID, they now have to figure out how to deal with impressions, experiences, and triggers that are entirely unfamiliar to them. Over the years the trauma was assigned to different parts that held them for safekeeping. Now the person is left to deal with life’s situations on their own. On their own means that they no longer have parts to take up the slack, and spouses or friends can only do so much. This is not only frightening but overwhelming and traumatic at times.

Here is where continued counseling is a helpful thing. A good therapist can help the person with DID, work through layers of trauma that they were not able to connect with previously. The therapist can also help them fill their toolbox with new tools of coping.

The balance between medication, counseling and the willingness to continue fighting can mean the difference between returning to dissociation as a coping mechanism or continuing on the path to a clearer perspective on life.

For the SO, integration may be frustrating and confusing. They have learned what it meant to live with someone who presented a continually changing target. But they had come to understand the rules of engagement in that environment. The game had a certain consistency.

With integration, there is often a hope of some “relief”. The hope that life wouldn’t be a moving target any longer, but rather offer some semblance of constancy. Mind you, this is neither a criticism of anyone with DID, nor is it derogative. It is a simple truth that loving someone with DID can keep you off balance because there is little that is consistent.

When your spouse was still multiple, it seemed some parts held memories that included you. Memories about your marriage, memories about some great times in life and memories about some difficult times in life. What you find now is that sometimes, your beloved spouse has large holes in her memory, things that you felt were significant in your life together. It may feel similar to being married to someone with Alzheimer’s; someone who does not remember the intimate moments you shared, the trust that had been built over the years. Maybe they don’t remember much of your history together at all. Or they remember it differently. Integration may leave you the SO second-guessing the things you were so sure of. You may begin questioning yourself and your memories. This is why, if you are able to, find a therapist for yourself so you can talk through and receive help in your changing life.

I have found this task exceedingly difficult. I have tried out a number of therapists and found that they just cannot relate. Of course, I have usually looked for ‘free’ therapists, because we cannot afford anything more. Note this; It is just as important for you to be in therapy as it is for your loved one!

I think that for both the DID and the SO, it is vital if not completely essential to understand that Integration is neither an end nor a break, it is a change in direction.

Change can be good and change can be difficult. Find the good in your change, embrace it, love her and continue to fight for her.